Get Your S*** Together: So…You Want to Break Up. Now What?

Let’s face it: break-ups are tough and there’s no way around them. As we transition into adulthood, we’re likely to evaluate our relationships with a new perspective – perhaps our frontal lobes have finally developed and we’ve come to the realisation that we’re no longer compatible with our romantic partners.

To explore this topic, we speak to clinical psychologist and couples therapist Mahima Didwania from The Other Clinic, who has 16 years of experience working with teenagers, young adults and couples. Her mantra? To help people become happier, better versions of themselves. 

If you’ve been quietly harbouring the idea of ending your relationship, but aren’t sure how, when or whether you should even do it, read on for Mahima’s best advice. 

In your practice, what is the most common issue that couples face? Can it often be resolved, and how do you advise them to do so?

“I would say that it’s often a breakdown in communication. People don’t know how to talk about their differences without matters escalating and causing further hurt. One partner often seeks to talk through and resolve the problem (anxiously or even aggressively) while the other partner may want to avoid the issue leading to a cat and mouse chase. 

This can be resolved by learning effective listening and communication skills — understanding each other’s assumptions, triggers and unmet needs. Many reasons can underlie such breakdowns, including differing family values, cultures and individual personalities. Therefore, identifying a single most common issue is an oversimplification, given the complexity involved.”

How do you know when it’s time to break up with your partner?

“One of the most important factors in determining the health and sustainability of a relationship is whether your partner treats you with trust, respect and dignity. If your partner consistently and unfairly criticizes, demeans, or makes you feel emotionally or physically unsafe, it may be time to leave. You deserve better. A key indicator of a toxic relationship is declining self-esteem – people deserve partners who see the best in them and support them in growing into better versions of themselves. Some other aspects to look at include the proportion of positive versus negative interactions, willingness to meet your partner’s needs and having their back. 

All relationships have problems, but are both partners willing to work on their issues to improve the relationship? They must be committed to truly invest in the relationship which often means working on themselves rather than just expecting their partner to change.”

What do you think is the best way to go about the break-up itself, in order to minimise conflict and hurt between both parties?

“The overall approach should be: how would I like to be treated in this situation? How can I make it hurt less? A few basic things to consider: first, do not blame the other person. Take accountability for and ownership of your decision. Next, hear the other person out and do not give mixed signals, or leave the door open for misinterpretation. Lastly, practice kindness and compassion – there are things you once loved about this person, despite your desire to end the relationship.

If the breakup can wait until after an important event (such as a graduation or birthday), this timing can be kinder. This is not to give the other person false hope, but so that they won’t come to associate the event with the breakup.

Consider balancing your desire to protect yourself and minimise the fallout with fairness to the other person. Is this situation only about you? [Breaking up] face to face is generally more respectful. If you anticipate tears and heightened emotions, privacy can be kinder so your partner can have the space to process their feelings without feeling socially conscious. However, If you believe your partner may react violently, it may be safer to end the relationship in a public setting.

If you’re physically apart, such as in a long-distance relationship, and unlikely to meet in person for a long time, you could have the conversation over a video call rather than text. Ask your partner to make time for this important and private conversation so they are prepared.  Overall, try to leave room for processing and communication – don’t just drop the bomb and disappear. No ghosting. 

In your experience, do you generally advise couples to remain friends after a break-up? When is it advised, and when is it recommended for them to cut contact?

“Remaining friends after a breakup can be tricky to navigate, at least right away. Your feelings can’t just be switched off and compartmentalised into the friend zone. It can get confusing and messy with mixed signals and feelings, as well as mismatched understandings of boundaries and expectations. This may end up prolonging the healing process. I do think couples can be friends further in the future with sufficient time, perhaps in a few years or their next phase of life.”

Any other words of advice for our readers who might be dealing with relationship issues at the moment?

“A healthy relationship is one that makes you feel safe, seen and valued just as you are. As partners, you should be able to balance each other’s needs, respect different perspectives and help each other grow into a better version of yourselves. If it’s not working, it’s worth getting some support because it can often be resolved. But know that it’s ok to walk away too, ultimately the most important relationship is the one with yourself.”

Get Your S*** Together (or GYST for short) is a new column that tackles the realities of adulting and figuring life out along the way.