Get Your S*** Together: Can You Really Stay Friends With Your Ex?

We get it, break ups suck. But sometimes, what’s trickier is not just coping with the absence of a romantic partner – but knowing what to do once the relationship is over. Choosing to stay friends with an ex is undeniably one of the most controversial decisions one can make after a break up, but it’s a dilemma many face more often than not.

To gain insight, we speak to The Psychology Atelier’s principal counsellor Judith Lim, who has over 15 years of counselling couples and individuals through relationship challenges. If you’re wondering whether staying friends with your ex is a healthy decision to make, read on for Judith’s advice.

See also: Get Your S*** Together: So…You Want to Break Up. Now What?

What are some of the common reasons why people want to stay friends with their ex? Is it truly possible to become platonic friends with my ex, or is there usually some emotional baggage that makes things complicated?

“A lot of people think that when a relationship ends amicably, they can still remain friends. We also often hear the saying, “If we can’t be lovers, we can still be friends.” It sounds nice, but emotionally, it may not be so straightforward. Some may want to stay friends because of familiarity, companionship, shared social circles, or simply because they still care about each other as people. We are not robots. Our mental and emotional system needs time to grieve the loss of a relationship. If there is still emotional baggage or attachment, remaining very close as friends may make it difficult for either person to truly move on and start anew in another relationship.

I do believe it is possible for some ex-partners to eventually become platonic friends. However, it depends on whether both have processed the breakup and are able to establish clear boundaries. I have also heard some young people say that they are comfortable hanging out with their ex for companionship, especially when their current partner is not available. They may feel there is nothing wrong with it. However, I would encourage them to also consider how this arrangement may affect their current partner and relationship.”

Should I stay friends with my ex just because we ended the relationship on good terms? How do I know if it’s healthier to walk away completely and if it’s suitable to consider maintaining a friendship?

“I don’t think there is a definite answer as to whether you should or should not remain friends with an ex. Ending on good terms also doesn’t mean that you have to remain friends.

I would encourage the person to consider their own emotional state and level of attachment towards their ex. Ask yourself: Am I genuinely comfortable being just a friend, or am I still emotionally attached and hoping for something more? Boundaries are very important. For example, after the breakup, is your ex still approaching you whenever they have personal, family or emotional problems? Are you still taking on the role you had when you were their partner? Sometimes people take these boundaries too lightly, and this can create unnecessary complications when either person enters a new relationship.”

How soon after a breakup is it realistic to try and be friends? Is it possible to transition straight into friendship immediately after breaking up or is there a “right” amount of time to wait?

“I don’t think there is a “right” amount of time because everyone has a different capacity to process grief and loss.

Immediately after a breakup, both people may still be emotionally attached. I would suggest giving each other some space instead of immediately committing to ‘we will still be friends’. Allow yourself time to grieve and adjust to the loss first. When both are more emotionally settled, you can then decide whether you genuinely want a friendship and whether you have the capacity to manage the new boundaries.”

What are some situations where you would advise someone not to try and stay friends with their ex?

“During the grieving period, I would encourage both people to give themselves some space. There is no need to immediately decide whether they will remain friends after the breakup.

If the relationship ended simply because two people were not a good match, they can decide later whether they still want to keep in touch. However, if the relationship involved repeated betrayal, dishonesty, or serious boundary and integrity issues, I would encourage the person to think twice about why they still want to keep their ex as a friend and whether maintaining that friendship is healthy for them.

There are also situations where one party may become highly distressed when a breakup is initiated. I have encountered situations where suicide or self-harm was threatened during a breakup. In such circumstances, I would encourage seeking professional assistance and taking the safety concern seriously rather than trying to manage it alone.”

How can I tell if I’m in a genuine platonic relationship with my ex or just reluctant to let go of the relationship?

“I think one useful question to ask yourself is: ‘Have we really changed our roles, or are we still behaving like a couple without the relationship title?’ In a genuine platonic friendship, there should be clearer boundaries. Your ex should not automatically expect you to lend them money, resolve their personal or family problems, or provide the same level of emotional support you did when you were together.

Conversational boundaries are important too. For example, I would consider sharing very intimate details about your current sex life with an ex inappropriate, as this may cross the boundary of a platonic friendship. You can still exchange views, life experiences and perspectives as friends, but both need to understand where the boundaries are.”

What are some boundaries that exes should establish if they want to maintain a friendship post-break up? If my ex gets into a new relationship, is it still appropriate to continue the friendship with them? 

“My simple way of looking at it is: don’t continue doing everything you used to do as a couple and expect that calling it ‘friendship’ automatically changes the relationship. Even seemingly simple habits, such as frequently texting ‘What are you doing?’, may need to change after a breakup. Gradually, both need to move away from some of the habits and expectations they had when they were together.

If you enter a new committed relationship, transparency is important. For example, if you had already planned an overseas trip with your ex before entering the new relationship, I would encourage you to be honest with your current partner about it, including practical matters such as accommodation arrangements. It is not necessarily inappropriate to continue a friendship with an ex, but it should not come at the expense of trust and security in your current committed relationship. Both partners need to communicate and discuss what boundaries they consider acceptable.”

Transitioning from a romantic relationship to a platonic one can be pretty confusing, especially if it happens over a short period of time – how does one cope with the change in physical, emotional and conversational boundaries?

“Transitioning from a romantic relationship to a platonic friendship requires quite a lot of self-awareness, discipline and discernment. Everyone has different values and beliefs, so boundaries can easily become ambiguous. If both continue with the same physical closeness, emotional dependency and intimate conversations they had before, the relationship can become enmeshed and emotionally confusing.

I would encourage the person to ask: ‘What needs to change now that we are no longer a couple?’ This includes physical, emotional and conversational boundaries. It may feel uncomfortable or even like another sense of loss at first, because you are changing habits and ways of relating that may have become very familiar. Give yourself time to adjust rather than expecting the friendship to feel natural immediately.”