Get Your S*** Together: How To Build Meaningful Friendships In Adulthood

Graduate, join the workforce, start a family – the classic Singaporean playbook seems to leave little room for forging friendships in our adult years. It seems to be all about networking, not friendship, and when your childhood friends are busy chasing their own life goals, adulthood can feel lonelier than ever. 

Yet, the rising number of social clubs and mixers in Singapore in recent months seem to prove that we do seek platonic connections even as we get older, though it can be challenging for many. Calista Battista, Canadian expat and founder of Singapore Sosh (ICYMI, it’s a curated women-only social club that’s focused on fostering meaningful connections through offline experiences), gives us the run-down of why this might be the case and how we can overcome it to form genuine friendships in our adult years. 

In your view, why does making friends as an adult feel so much harder than it did when we were younger?

“I think it’s because we’re not surrounded by, or spending as much time with people our age. In the workplace, we’re meeting people from different generations in a professional setting, so it can be hard to put yourself in the mindset of making friends. Realistically, once you leave university, your world shrinks. Plus, a lot of people like to split their work and personal lives, so there just aren’t that many opportunities to meet people. You can’t be as spontaneous any more either, and have to plan further in advance. So if you want to meet people, you really have to make an effort and be intentional about it.”

How can someone stop viewing friendship-making as something merely transactional, especially in an age where everything is just seen as networking?

“It’s a mindset shift. You have to be open to meeting people in a friendship capacity, because you might not think that you need more friends. When you enter the workforce and you’re meeting a lot of people for the purposes of networking, meeting people to be friends can be put on the back burner. It’s really important to be in the mindset of being open to meeting people for the sake of it.”

In your experience, what usually stops adults from putting themselves out there and making new friends?

“For a lot of people, coming to an event alone can be very intimidating. When you’re trying something new, it’s always nice to do it with a friend – that might have stopped people from coming to Singapore Sosh or any community events by themselves. In reality, you should be going precisely because you don’t know anyone there. Many people also fear being alone, left out or feeling like they might not fit in. These are all very normal insecurities that people have. 

The biggest misconception is that other people don’t want to make friends. I think that holds a lot of people back. It can be scary to reach out to someone, but you can’t let that fear rule your life. I’ve found that people are much more open and friendly than you think. If you’re open to it, friendship can build quickly – you don’t have to meet a million times to become really good friends. If you’re in the right mindset, you can get to quite an advanced level of friendship in a short period of time.

The second is that not every connection has to lead to friendship. In my opinion, every person that you meet is a lesson, whether for yourself or the other person. You shouldn’t feel pressure to make the friendship work if there’s no connection – at least you put yourself out there, made an effort to meet someone, and that’s enough.”

What value is there in seeking new friendships as an adult, instead of only maintaining long-term friendships from childhood or school?

“Meeting different people allows you to learn about yourself, and it’s really a journey of self-discovery and growth. You come to have certain standards of people that you want to surround yourself with, and you also learn what you bring to a relationship (both platonic and romantic!). Whether this new person remains an acquaintance or becomes a close friend, every person can teach you something – whether it’s a new hobby they introduce you to, or a different cultural background. It’s not just about who can get you into the coolest club or land you a job. I think there’s always more to it.”

From someone who’s organised tons of social events, how can we move beyond surface-level small talk and build genuine connection with someone new?

“As a general rule, I try to be curious when speaking with people. To me, the way you approach platonic friendships and dating should be similar. When you go on a date, you ask lots of questions to get to know the person – the same energy should be brought to a friendship. Another thing is asking why or how. For example, why did you move to Singapore? How was your experience doing this activity? Even asking silly questions like “what’s your secret talent” helps. There aren’t specific questions I ask that make the other person open up. It’s more about the intention and energy that go into it.”

What are some underrated ways adults can meet people organically outside of online apps or networking events, especially for those who might be more introverted or socially anxious?

“In Singapore, there are tons of communities popping up. To meet others in real life, your best bet is really to just hit those up – there are communities and events for everyone. Scroll through the events platform Luma, and there’ll be something for you whether you’re into tech, wellness or fitness. Don’t be afraid to message someone on social media either if you come across their profile and think they’re cool, or you might have something in common!

You could also get your friends to introduce you to their friends, or organise a dinner where everyone brings a plus one that nobody else knows. Everyone is constantly waiting for opportunities to meet others, so sometimes you just have to take the initiative and make the first move.

I actually think that if you’re introverted or socially anxious, meeting people in small groups or one-on-one might be worse – if you run out of things to say and you’re stuck with that person for an extended period of time, things can get awkward quickly. However, if you go to a social event, you’ll be moved around often and you’re only going to speak to someone for a maximum of 15 to 20 minutes. You can also try events where there’s an activity that’ll naturally help to break the ice for you.” 

For someone reading this who feels lonely or disconnected but hesitant to put themselves out there, what’s one piece of advice you’d offer?

“Put yourself in an uncomfortable situation and I promise you’ll change. You’re probably more extroverted than you give yourself credit for, and even if you only speak to one person the entire time, I would argue that’s a pretty big win. Take it one step at a time. 

Even if you’re a shy person, don’t let that box you in. If you go into something with an open mind and with the right people, it’s not something you’ll have to worry about. Don’t limit yourself – make a mistake, make a fool of yourself, it’s chill! Remember that people are nicer than you think, and they’ll probably reciprocate the positive energy that you bring.”