Get Your S*** Together: Can You Actually Be Friends With Your Colleagues?

For fresh graduates, entering the workforce might not just mean dealing with a brand new set of professional expectations and adjusting to a new phase of life. It may also mean having to navigate the uncharted territory of socialising in a corporate setting: making work friends or office buddies, and understanding what that relationship means when you clock out.

With over 15 years of experience in HR at global companies like Meta and Lenskart International, certified career coach Chaitra Reddy knows what she’s talking about when it comes to handling workplace relationships. Ahead, she gives us her beginner’s guide to forming connections at work, without losing professionalism.

See also: Get Your S*** Together: How To Build Meaningful Friendships In Adulthood

Why do workplace friendships feel so much more complicated than friendships we make during our schooling years? Is there truly a difference?

“They are fundamentally different. When in school or childhood, we make friends because of proximity, such as the people you sit next to in class. In the workplace, it’s situational or circumstantial. You’re typically focused on something transactional, and the friendship is formed through that. This usually comes with a lot of unsaid boundaries as your friendship is centered around that workplace, whereas your childhood friendships tend to be free from them.”

Do you think office friendships and personal friendships need to stay separate, or is that distinction outdated?

“It’s up to you and there’s no set rule on this. Sometimes you meet like-minded people at work who are similar to your personal friends and you’re comfortable getting them together. Other times, office friendships just start at 9am and end at 6pm. They’re your lunch buddy, the person you gripe about your manager to, but it stops there. Ultimately, it depends on the relationship you build and if your personalities get along – same as in real life, where you might have friend groups from different parts of your life who may not mix.”

Is it actually important to make friends at work, or is being professionally cordial enough?

“This question puts a lot of pressure on friendship at work. The beauty of friendship is that it should be free from pressure. It has to happen organically. You should not walk into a workplace thinking you’re going to make friends. Professionally, just being cordial is another extreme and a bit transactional. What you should do instead, is approach it seeking good relationships and a community that you’ll learn from in your career. If that evolves into friendship, great. But don’t approach it saying you’ll walk in and form friendships with your co-workers.”

In your experience, what makes people come across as genuine at work, and what tends to feel transactional?

“The thing that makes you genuine in a workplace is if you can actively listen. It sets you apart from everyone else in building those relationships. If you can’t do so, it can come across as very transactional. For example, if you ask someone about their day but start scrolling on your phone, they’ll know it was a superficial act you did to try and build something. Truly being present in any conversation really goes a long way.

You also don’t have to jump into solution mode all the time. Sometimes, you can just hear your friend out and walk away. However, I must caveat this by saying that there are some companies who truly encourage you to be your most authentic self at work, which allows you to come across as genuine at work with more ease.”

How much of myself should I reveal at work? 

“In an ideal world, I’d say be who you are and share what you’re comfortable with. In reality, the culture across companies can be very different, so there’s no standard level. I would say to understand the working culture of the company and see what you’re comfortable with sharing based on the boundaries that the company has set. 

Ideally, you would be able to ask an onboarding buddy to help navigate the company in the right way. If you aren’t assigned one, you can always ask your manager – no company will say no, though it may take some time. Having a buddy and mentor are important resources you should be asking for if they aren’t allocated to you. You can’t go in assuming you know how the company works!”

For those entering the workforce for the first time, what are some good ways to organically befriend colleagues without forcing it?

“The way you make friends at work is the same way you make friends outside. If you join with a cohort, it’s easier since you’re all experiencing the same thing. Outside of that, lunches! You should have lunch with someone – don’t eat lunch alone, because that’s a great way to meet new people. 

Most companies have an onboarding buddy that gets assigned to a new hire. Don’t just view them as someone who talks to you and guides you. You also have to lean into them – ask them about the culture, how things work, and they could be a great facilitator in introducing you to other people. There might also be employee engagement groups or clubs you’re interested in, where you can meet people interested in the same things as you. So it’s not just about having friends in the same team either.”

Should we aim to be friends with our managers or superiors? Are there certain boundaries we should be drawing in these cases?

“From the perspective of a manager, the more senior employee will lead the relationship. Good managers don’t show favoritism, and often either keep it very professional or make themselves equally available and build friendships across the team, though it will never be on a deep level lest they come off as biased or unable to give feedback. This is not on you – you should approach it from a place of learning, curiosity and growth. Whether the friendship happens or not sits with the manager and their management style.”

On a very practical level: when is it appropriate to follow colleagues on Instagram or add them to private social media accounts?

“This is a tricky one! I would say exchange LinkedIn to start. Beyond that, let it be organic. If you are not comfortable sharing your social media with someone, you can say no. There is no pressure, and you can say that you aren’t comfortable with having work folks on your social media. Friendship takes time to build, and I don’t think we realise how much time we gave our school friendships for them to achieve the depth they have. What I want young people to know is that it’s okay to say no.”

How can we figure out if our colleague is truly a friend, and not just a work friend?

“The conversations you’re having with them will let you know that. The true test comes when you leave the place and the friendship continues, but workplace friendships always come with some level of boundaries. Remember not to mourn it when you leave, because that’s the nature of 99 per cent of workplace friendships. They’re meant for that place and time.”

What if my colleague and I have different boundaries? For instance, they want to be closer friends but I don’t?

“The best way to deal with this is to have an open conversation. Maybe something they’ve said or done has made you uncomfortable, and you realise you draw the line differently. However, this is a professional setting, so don’t go into the conversation like you would a friend, because that will lead to an emotional approach. The idea here is: think of what you want to say, tell them why you feel it isn’t working for you, and perhaps how you can find something that works for both of you. 

Work friendships still have to be treated with more structure as compared to school friendships, where perhaps you can blast your head off at them and you’ll still be okay after. I’ve seen situations where work friends stop talking to each other because they didn’t know how to handle something, and that starts affecting their work negatively. Now with ChatGPT, it can also help you think of pointers – what to say, how to say it – and ease you into a conversation.”

How should someone navigate workplace cliques or feelings of exclusion in an office environment?

“Start off by asking: are you closed off, or is there truly a clique? Look inwards – are you open, have you tried asking others for lunch or coffee? What have you done to try to initiate this community for yourself? If you have, and you truly feel like you’re being excluded, it may be that your colleagues have been there for a long time and may have knowingly or unknowingly excluded you. 

If you’ve tried your best, talk to your manager. If your manager is the one driving it, then you should be escalating it to HR. This is then a sign of a toxic work environment and goes beyond friendship and community, which is not enabling you to do your work properly.”

For people who might struggle socially at work, what’s one mindset shift or practical step that can make making workplace connections feel less intimidating?

“Look at it as building a community you can learn from or help you stay sane at work. Don’t get so caught up on the idea of friendship. If you’re able to do that, it tends to last you through many other companies and as you grow, you help each other out. 

As mentioned, the practical step would be to ask for a buddy or mentor! It automatically gives you two new people that you can talk to, who can help you navigate the system. Just remember there is nowhere in the corporate book that says you have to have friends at work. What you should have instead, is the courage to network and build professional relationships. That is most important.”